So you claim to be good at sex? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you may have just gotten lucky once, twice, maybe even a couple of times. Whilst the concept of reaching a peak pivotal orgasm seems somewhat easy, let me tell you there is a whole lot of science behind it.
This article is specifically aimed at those who claim to have mastered the art of making their sexual partner cum. Sure, your claim might be accurate… that is, presuming you’ve have taken the time to fully understand your partner’s sexual desires, boundaries, turn on’s and most importantly, turn-offs. But for those who have claimed they know the trick to making a person with a vagina cum, this is for you. Listen closely.
Before I start, I want to (sort of) address the uproar surrounding the ‘correct’ medical terminology used to describe certain parts or all of a woman’s anatomy. So henceforth, when I refer to the ‘vagina,’ know that I am referring to it all as a whole: from the vulva, the clitoris and through to the cervix. Deepest apologies if this gendered terminology offends anyone, but for the purposes of this article, I will try to stick to medical pairings to keep things simpler.
Whilst we all are probably already aware of the complexity of female anatomy, things are about to get a whole lot more difficult. I can confirm this pioneering information was definitely left out of Australia’s sex-Ed curriculum. Ladies and gents, welcome to the new and improved biology class:
Like every part of the body, no two vaginas are the same. Each and every is one is complex. Let’s delve into figures for a moment, just to elaborate on the extreme sensitivity of the this sexual organ.
There are said to be over 8000 nerve endings in the tip of the clitoris alone. That is double the amount of nerves contained in a penis. The rest of a woman’s pelvis possesses an additional 15,000 nerve endings. So, ladies, the truth is out—science suggests we have the potential to feel twice as much as men do!
Anatomy aside, men and women experience pleasure throughout different zones of their bodies. This is what we refer to as ‘erogenous zones,’ both genital and non-genital. These are simply defined as regions of a person’s body that when stimulated increase blood flow, nerve sensitivity and elicit somewhat of a sexual response.
We are educated from a young age about the obvious pleasurable zones: the vagina, penis, anus, nipples… but depending on the individual, these hot spots vary. The human body is pretty much one giant erogenous zone with literally thousands of nerve endings just waiting to be tampered with, tickled and touched. This brings up an another key factor to interpersonal sexual experience: communicate with your partner on what gets you off!
So why, after all these years since creation, why is the female orgasm still so elusive for many women and their partners?
I can think of at least two societal problems that have contributed to female sexual oppression, specifically relating to our capacity to orgasm.
The first being the traditional pornographic model of intercourse: fast, straight-to-the-point-jack-hammering sex. Sex that only focuses on one or two areas of the female androgynous zone. For too many, pornography provides the first insight into the mechanics of sex, and that is simply terrifying. Furthermore, it is reported that over 95% of pornography depicts some form of violence against women, which subconsciously implies to our youth that these sort of sexual behaviours are permissible. If we were to base our sexual model of intimacy and pleasure solely around pornography, we would be living in a world of unstimulated and mediocre sex (putting aside those who are into hard-core heavy BDSM, of course—no judgment, we all have our kinks).
Secondly, we women are not taught to fully comprehend the power of our voices in creating an equally shared sexual experience. According to sexologist Esther Perel, culture and upbringing have a lot to do with it: people with vaginas are expected to cum within a certain time frame. We are expected to be submissive and feminine. There’s a perpetuated notion that we should taste a certain way, that our moans and groans should be of a harmonious tune, and our bodies—God forbid if our bush is an inch too long or our nipples don’t look like the ones of porn stars in magazines! With all these societal expectations to account for, is it any wonder that females are often too scared to speak up and advocate for their own pleasure during sex?
I stumbled across this important and somewhat life-changing piece of information in Naomi Wolf’s book ‘Vagina,’ a brilliant and informative novel that I encourage everyone to read, regardless of gender and sexual orientation. Naomi is an American journalist who, after a spinal injury incident, decided to explore the brain and body’s connection to sexuality. “For women, sexual response involves entering an altered state of consciousness,” she writes.
Naomi explores the intricate connection between sex and the brain further. One’s nervous systems is the complex wiring that acts as the communicator between both organs, the brain—responsible for controlling stimulation, arousal, comfort and control—is said to be our body’s largest sexual organ, in a sense. In order to reach the ‘altered state of consciousness’ an orgasm requires, a woman must place herself in a complete state of vulnerability. It is critical for a woman to feel safe and comfortable in her surroundings and with her sexual partner in order to reach this desired state.
During and post sex, our brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, hormones which are said to lower our levels of stress and anxiety. In the simplest of terms, well-rounded orgasmic sex should elicit a complete euphoric response.
So, before you go around claiming the titled trophy of a sex god, take some time to understand the complexity of female arousal. Ask your partner what it is that turns them on and explore their body in a sensitive manner. Talking about what you want in bed should be as easy as ordering a morning coffee. The goal should be to make sex as comfortable and pleasurable between both you and your partner.
Scout O’Donoghue is a Northern Rivers-based writer. With a background in journalism, she dabbles in all mediums of storytelling: writing, photography and videography.