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Despite being a normal bodily function among vulva-owners, menstrual bleeding can be a hard phenomenon to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself. This is partly thanks to pop culture and poorly run sex ed classes honing in on PMS, and the pain and mood swings that can accompany this. Not to mention the fact that period sex is still completely taboo, taking a whole week out of the calendar each month (God, forbid.)
Whether you’re the one bleeding or supporting someone who bleeds, we’ve been conditioned to give very little thought to what’s actually happening within the body during each stage of the menstrual cycle. (Bleeding doesn’t have to be a hindrance, FYI. It can, in fact, be used to our advantage.)
“Cyclical awareness is getting in touch with the subtle changes that occur throughout your menstrual cycle,” birth doula and women’s health educator Rosie Matheson explains. “Every single day of the month your hormones are rising and falling, and therefore so are your moods, energy levels, sex drive and creative juices.”
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The key is to lean into these hormonal fluctuations. To work with the different energies, emotions and experiences they bring to the surface, instead of against them. It’s being conscious that on the first five days of your cycle (aka your inner winter) you’ll be sensitive to everything. That when your vaginal discharge turns clear and stretchy, you’re approaching ovulation. That progesterone peaks towards the end of your period, which is why your boobs likely feel like boulders bolted to your chest.
“Cyclical awareness in your relationship can bring you closer, deepen your intimacy and bring more empathy and compassion into your relationship”
By tuning into these bodily signals, bleeders – and those around them – can enjoy every phase as it happens. Because as a collective, we need to start celebrating the menstrual cycle, not treat it like something womxn should deal with behind the bathroom door.
“Cyclical awareness in your relationship can bring you closer, deepen your intimacy and bring more empathy and compassion into your relationship,” Rosie says. “It can be like an unspoken understanding, that need not be emphasised each time. It becomes a little dance each cycle, where you both go through the phases together and your life flows in harmony with the changes in your body.”
Quick recap on the phases of the menstrual cycle – or inner seasons of being – and their individual qualities. (Reminder: the 28-day cycle is just a rough guide and will, of course, vary from womxn to womxn.)
The inner winter (menstruation)
Approximately day 27 to day 5
Bleeders typically feel:
Drawn inward, low in energy, sensitive, tender, vulnerable, an expanded state of consciousness, deeply present to self.
The inner spring (pre-ovulation)
Approximately day 6 to day 11
Bleeders typically feel:
Rejuvenated, awake, a rise in drive and desire, excited, youthful, open to pleasure, focused, motivated.
The inner summer (ovulation)
Approximately day 12 to day 19
Bleeders typically feel:
Grounded, harmonious, invincible, energetic, capable, inclined to multitask, emotionally available to others.
The inner autumn (pre-menstruation)
Approximately day 20 to day 26
Bleeders typically feel:
Irritable, judgemental, overly reactive, aware of flaws and cracks, heightened intuition and a desire to speak the truth.
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As for how to go about bringing this awareness into your relationships, romantic or otherwise? Start by educating yourself on the nuances of your cycle. Pro tip: free-bleeding or using period undies like ModiBodi can be super useful here, so that you can see and feel everything that’s going on downstairs. Then, once you know exactly how each phase affects you, share this info with those around you – even if that’s simply drawing a sun in certain squares on your household calendar to illustrate when you’re moving through your inner summer.
“It’s important to not overwhelm your partner, or expect them to know everything at once,” Rosie advises. “To begin, just share with them the interesting facts you discover along the way. If you already have an open and free communication channel maybe tell them that you’d like to help them understand your cycle because you think it will help your relationship to thrive, and as you discover all the unique quirks of your cycle you can let them know too.”
She continues: “Gradually, by modelling through behaviour and communication they will begin to see a pattern and learn your ways.” And what if they are also a menstruating human? “Your initiative may inspire them to delve into their own cycle, learn their own unique difference and inspire them to weave more cycle awareness into their own lives.”
How to support a friend or family member as they venture through their monthly cycle:
– Ask enthusiastic questions about where your loved ones are at emotionally and physically.
– Get familiar with what period products they prefer to use.
– Be understanding when they become more sensitive and reactive at certain times during the month (e.g. inner autumn).
How to practice cyclical awareness with someone you’re casually having sex with:
– Make sure you have a bin in your bathroom.
– Expect fluctuations in their libido and desire.
– Don’t freak out if they bleed unexpectedly. It’s not gross, it’s a beautiful bodily function!
How to show up for a partner who bleeds in long-term relationships:
– Be open to what your partner needs throughout each phase of their cycle and communicate and adjust your expectations accordingly.
– Consider implementing cyclical rituals, whether this be giving them a massage as they wade through the depths of their inner winter or implementing date night during ovulation.
– Take responsibility and act as the caretaker of your partner’s space and boundaries with others whenever needed.
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