By Odette Barry
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As someone who doesn’t drink (anymore), I know that socialising can be bluddy difficult to navigate.
I went from being the life of the party to avoiding the party, to almost never being invited to parties. Have I sold sobriety to you yet, ha? But sadly, there is something solemnly isolating about making a call to change your relationship with alcohol in a society that is literally dripping with it.
We make plans centred around alcohol, be it a long lunch with friends or date night cocktails. Friday knock-offs are almost mandatory, whatever the tipple you favour. So what do you do to unwind, connect, romance and banter when you take drinking out of the equation? And also, why the fuck would you? I mean, almost everything is better with a glass in hand, right?
Well, kinda no, not for everyone. Not for me and for four in five adult Australians who see drinking as a problem.
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“My optimistic (higher) self wants to believe that I could meet a mate for a glass of wine and leave it at that. But I also know how quickly that one glass would slip into one too many.”
Now, for some people, it’s absolutely okay to down a drink (or three) while unwinding on holiday, to sip on Aperols on your boyfriend’s birthday or even to throw back a shot of tequila (it’s hard not to wince writing that!) But, for others – me included – there isn’t a middle ground. Moderation isn’t a word that I’m totally qualified in. I don’t know whether this is a problematic relationship with alcohol that I can attribute to an intergenerational lineage that I’ve inherited or a high-voltage personality. Or, whether a particular life experience has led me towards an inclination to push the boundaries when it comes to inebriation. I suspect it’s a combination of all three.
I used to regularly wake up feeling like a bus had hit me. I’d face a shamey-anxious rollercoaster as memories from the night before resurfaced. I’d haul my arse to work, and punch out the bare minimum from Monday to Friday, as I lived for the weekends: a time where I could be wild and fun and stumble in the door when sunrise (or later) rolled around.
But admittedly, I’ve grown up a lot since I quit. And at risk of sounding corny AF, I now live a life that I quite literally love sick. It has been 7 years, and I wonder if I could drink in a more responsible way these days. But the reality is, I don’t know if that’s possible for a person like me. My optimistic (higher) self wants to believe that I could meet a mate for a glass of wine and leave it at that. But I also know that the broader consequence would be a tax on how I feel more generally, my outlook on life, and how quickly that one glass would slip into one too many. Better yet, how my obsessive, addictive personality would sniff out a way to just… fuck it all up.
But, for so many folks, it’s not about ditching the drink forever. Maybe you just want to hit the pause button for a while. Either way, these are some of the strategies that will help you manage your own feelings (and other people’s) so you can stick to your goal without losing your shit.
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Be open about your discomfort.
As Brené Brown says, vulnerability is the birthplace of change and connection. It’s hard, but voicing to your squad that you’re ready to make a change can start a bunch of useful conversations. Tell your pals that you want their support, not to become the butt of their jokes. Be honest and explain that you’re excited but unsure. In my experience, a little vulnerability wins your friends over and is more useful than a staunch position.
Say nothing with alc-free Aperol.
It’s okay to fake it until you make it. If you don’t feel ready to talk about your new habit, keep it out of the conversation with some alc-free bevvies. If you’re partial to a G&T you can’t go past Seedlip. Missing Aperol Spritz? Your tastebuds will be all about Lyre’s Italian Spritz. Alternatively, pour yourself some 0% Geissen or a Heaps Normal (a legit tasty beer that supports you to create your own relationship with alcohol rather than the one we inherit socially).
Aim to be the best gawd damn listener ever.
Nervous about your first sober party or social gathering? Come prepared to ask questions – I even nerd out and make a mental list. Instead of trying to keep up with everyone’s energy, chat with just one person and go deep. You’ll be surprised at what you uncover when you give someone your undivided attention. Remember, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable: it is awkward going to events. Just get good at listening.
Pair pals with exercise.
I love exercising before going to a party or dinner. It gives me space to clear my head and I arrive oozing with the serotonin and endorphins to keep up with the high vibes. If you can’t exercise right before you head out, try to exercise afterwards. It a) gives you a reason to leave, b) helps you to leave sober and c) you end the day on a natural high.
Get curious about your patterns.
If you feel triggered by a friend or family member when you’re spending time with them around alcohol, try to listen to your thoughts and hear the story that’s playing in your mind. If you can bring curiosity to why you’re feeling triggered, it’s a great way to take the heat out of your frustration. Plus you can catch yourself before you repeat those same thought patterns next time. I find that journaling helps to work through these emotions.
Experiment with quitting.
Don’t punish yourself if you slip up. Instead, take an experimental view on the process. Start by drinking less, adding more soda waters, or moving towards fewer days each week with alcohol. Try doing every second social occasional sober and stock up on some of the 0% drinks. I found particularly in the first few months, your thirst for a crisp wine or a G&T can be well and truly quenched with some of the spirits on epic platforms like Sans Drinks and Craft Zero that sell a full range of 0% beer, wine and spirits.
Become grateful.
It’s naff I know, but being aware of the excellent things that you’re gaining from not drinking is one of the most powerful ways to stay focused on your goals. Just writing down little things that you’re grateful for each day will tell your brain that you are grateful. Plus studies have shown that this activity improves happiness, so give it a try even if it feels cheesy.
Sign up for support.
There are lots of forms of structured support out there, apart from AA. Take a look at Thrivalist a fully supported 8-week group mentoring program that helps you reimagine a life beyond booze or Hello Sunday Morning’s Daybreak app or try Annie Grace’s Alcohol Experiment, a 30-day supportive challenge to go without booze. If you have a trusted friend, tell them your goals and ask them to help to hold you accountable. There’s always support out there, believe me.
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