by Georgia Grace, We-Vibe Ambassador
As a Sex Educator and Intimacy Coach, I am asked about sex toys A LOT! Here are answers to the two most common questions I’m asked, and my tips to bringing sex toys into your sexual play.
What toy should I get?
To answer the question “What toy should I get?”, you first need to ask yourself some questions.
Read the following questions, write down your answers as you go, and when you’re finished, you’ll have a custom list of needs that your new toy must meet.
Who’s it for? The first question you need to ask! Is it for you, a partner or for both of you?
Where do you want to stimulate? Are you looking for internal or external stimulation? Is it just for genitals or the whole body?
When? Are you going to be using this toy? Is it f
or partnered sex, masturbation, both? Think about all the circumstances where you want your toy to make an appearance.
How? Think about the kind of sensations you enjoy and what turns you on. Do you like deep and hard penetration? light sensitive touch? Even if you’re completely new to masturbation or sex, think about how you like to hug someone, how do you like to get a massage, or if you’re easily tickled. This may give you a sense of the sensations you prefer. Using these observations, ask yourself if you’d enjoy a toy that penetrates, vibrates or maybe both.
Vibe or no vibe? There are many toys that don’t vibrate but use other sensations to create pleasure. We-Vibe’s Melt uses pleasure air technology with pulsating waves and gentle suction. You’ll need to think about the volume of the vibrations and how powerful they are. If you’re going into a sex toy shop, they often have toys on display so you can feel the vibrations in your hands. Hot tip: a great place to test vibrators is on the tip of your nose, it may feel odd but don’t knock it till you try it!
Taste? When you’re shopping, your body immediately responds to something you like the look of, and it’s the same with browsing sex toys. So as you’re shopping around, become aware of toys you like the look of; colour, feel, shape, texture… If you’re buying for yourself, intend to buy something that excites you.
Special Needs? Do you have any specific needs that the toy would need to accommodate? Do you live in a shared space where you’d want something with a quiet motor? Would having a waterproof toy be beneficial for any shower or bath time play you like to have? Be considerate of your needs, but also those you’ll be using your toy with and those around you.
How do I bring sex toys into partner play?
When I’m supporting couples to explore pleasure with sex toys, I hear a few common narratives that stop them from doing it:
I’m scared the toy will be better than me
I don’t want to be replaced by an object
It’ll take us out of the moment
It’s not as intimate enough
We don’t speak about sex so I don’t know how to bring this up
Does any of that sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone and you don’t have to feel fear or uncertainty when it comes to using sex toys. Here is my step-by-step guide for introducing sex toys with your partner.
Consent and communication must be present before, during and after sex, especially when it comes to introducing a toy. Don’t assume they’ll be ok with you whipping out a sex toy mid sesh, it’s vital to communicate desires, fantasies, urges when you’re trying something new. When having conversations around sex it can be awkward and clunky at first, so intend to normalise the discussion. A few one-liners that may work for you:
I’m curious about sex toys, how’d you feel about trying one together?
I like having sex with this, what do you think about using it together?
Address the concerns
Maybe they are hesitant because they believe some myths, like they’ll be replaced or toys can desensitise your genitals. If your partner has concerns a little reassurance may go a long way… as much as you love your toy, it will not and can not replace them.
Focus on the benefits: There are so many benefits to exploring sex toys! Figure out what the benefits might be for you and your relationship and communicate them. These may be:
Toys can allow you to feel sensations you like or you’re curious about
Toys are there to enhance sensation rather than replace human connection
You’re curious and wanting to explore something new with your partner
Reaching orgasm isn’t as linear as we’re lead to believe, and toys may help you get ‘there’
Variety during sex allows for increased access to pleasure
Create boundaries or rules
These will keep you and your partner feeling safe, respected and heard. This will also allow you to explore more as you’ll have a definite idea what’s ok and what’s not. You can of course stop at any time and recreate the rules to work for you. These boundaries may be around how, when or where the toys are used. For example, it’s ok to use the toys externally, but not internally, or the toy will be used when you’re together or you will use it on yourself while your partner witnesses…. They’re your boundaries so make them work for you and your relationship.
Show and tell
If the toy is for you, show your how you want it to be used on you, and if it’s for your partner ask them to show you (it also may be for both of you so each takes turns in showing each other). This is useful in understanding optimal pleasure for the toy and how each person wants to be stimulated.
Check in after
Just because you’ve done it once, doesn’t mean that’s the way you have sex now. It’s important to check-in with each other after by asking: How was that for you? Would you want to explore it again? What could make it better next time?
Once you’ve got these two questions answered and have had some open conversations with your partner about bringing sex toys into sexual play, you are ready to start experimenting together.
Some toys are designed specifically for use between partners, so can help to make both partners feel involved throughout play. We-Vibe is one such brand, and its latest couples toy Chorus has some interesting features to try out, like a touch-sensor which moderates vibrations to your body an App which lets you remotely control the toy (great for long distance relationships).
Whichever toy you choose, remember that there are plenty out there, so if one doesn’t do it for you that doesn’t mean none will. The key is remembering it’s all about exploration to find what brings you pleasure!