By Jaime-lee Willoughby
A step-by-step guide to exploring self-intimacy and deepening your relationship with your body.
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Genitals. We all have them, and yet our experiences of owning genitals and how we relate to them is rarely spoken about or acknowledged. Our genitals can be a source of pleasure, curiosity and joy. Yet for a lot of people, genitals hold confusion, uncertainty, judgement, numbness and are purely functional. Regardless of your opinion of them, your genitals are a part of you that holds a unique story that deserves to be noticed, held and loved.
It is important to acknowledge that all genitals are visually different and whether you own a vulva, a penis or you are intersex, no two genitals look the same. However, due to a lack of education around genital configurations, a lot of people are left feeling shameful about the appearance of their genitals. The more we dissociate from the appearance of our genitals, the more inclined we are to dissociate from the sensations we are capable of feeling through them. Similarly, our sense of self is likely to be fragmented if our relationship to our genitals is avoidant or not supported by external forces.
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One of the greatest reclamations of our inner power is to authentically connect to our bodies, our genitals, our eroticism and therefore our sense of self. To aid you on this journey, I am going to guide you through a step-by-step ritual to meet your genitals. Please recognise that these steps are merely suggestions and you are only invited to do what feels aligned to your greatest intention.
Trigger warning: If you are someone who has experienced sexual trauma and has not received professional psychological assistance please know that this practice is not a replacement for such valuable serves. This is not a healing modality but an intimate practice.
Firstly, whenever doing any type of embodiment work it is so valuable to use your breath! Especially those big, deep breaths with noisy sighs – they are a great way to stay out of your head and return to presence and sensation in the body. I encourage you to take as many deep breaths as possible throughout this process. Let’s do one together now!
What do you need? It is ideal to perform this ritual in a safe space where you will be alone and undisturbed (it can also be very powerful to have a partner/lover witness you in this process however, that is your decision to make). For vulva-owners, I recommend a hand-held mirror (although any sized mirror will do the job). If you feel drawn to do so, setting up an altar with your most significant/sacred items can really help you to feel intentional and safe. Make your space smell good, feel good and look good to assist your nervous system to completely relax into the experience.
Step 1. Connect to your body and find your intention.
Start the ritual by lighting a candle to signify the opening of a sacred space. When you are ready, I welcome you to start your embodiment practice with a body scan/meditation. Start by closing down the eyes and bringing your awareness to the top your head and slowly draw your awareness down your body, inch by inch, until you reach your toes. Throughout this process take time to specifically pause for three deep breaths and curious inquiry into your four centres of consent:
Your brain (thinking mind)
“What does the brain think it would like to receive from this ritual?”
Your heart (emotional mind)
“What does the heart yearn to receive from this ritual?”
Your gut (intuitive mind)
“What does the gut know I will receive from this ritual?”
Your genitals (erotic mind)
“What do my genitals desire from this ritual?”
Allow yourself to resonate with what your body has communicated to you and speak out loud what your intention for the ritual is.
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Step 2. Witness yourself and notice.
When you feel ready allow your gaze to meet your genitals either with a mirror (highly suggested for vulva-owners) or without. As you look at your genitals, notice what physical characteristics you observe (folds of skin, hair, different anatomical parts etc). As you witness yourself, be cautious of any judgements that may come up about your appearance. If they do, I encourage you to return to your breath and recognise these thoughts as passing and not as truthful. Bring yourself back to non-judgemental awareness, observation and acceptance. (If you are struggling to do so place one hand over your heart and breathe into your heart space). Speak out loud which parts of your genitals you love the look of.
Step 3. Sensation curiosity.
Next, I invite you to become aware of what sensations you can notice in your genitals. This can be explored with physical touch or without. It is important to take your time to feel into the different types of sensations in the different parts of your genitals (for example, the knob of the penis may be more sensitive than the shaft). As you explore your genitals remember that the aim is to maintain curiosity and be open to all types of sensation, even numbness. You are here to learn about your genitals not to necessarily seek pleasure or to have an orgasm. Play with different types of touch to see what you notice.
Step 4. Hearing your story.
While continuing to gaze (or touch) at your genitals I invite you to consider some of the following:
When did I first receive pleasure in my genitals?
How do my genitals like to be touched?
What is my favourite memory with my genitals?
Step 5. What are your genitals saying to you?
Take three deep breaths into your genitals and imagine what your genitals would say to you right now if they could speak. It may be helpful for you to speak it out loud on behalf of your genitals. Allow yourself time to resonate with what they are telling you.
Step 6. What are you saying to your genitals?
This is a perfect time for you to speak from your heart to your genitals (perhaps place one hand on your heart and one on your genitals). Whether that be words of love, gratitude, apology or forgiveness. I also welcome you to make a pact/promise to your genitals. “From this moment onward I intend for our relationship to include…” Consider the dynamic you wish to maintain with your genitals and speak it into existence.
Step 7. Closing the ritual.
When it feels right for you and you are ready to complete your practice, I invite you to lay down and close your eyes. Similar to the intention of Shavasana, we soften into stillness at the end of our ritual to allow for the mind and body to integrate what we have learned. Take some deep breaths into your genitals and allow yourself to feel your newfound connection. When you are ready, gently open your eyes, return to your space and blow out the candle to signify that the ritual has ended.
This is a ritual that you can continue to practice for as long as it feels good for you. Each time will be different, perhaps deeper and more expansive. As you grow and change, so will your genital’s desires and needs. This is why it’s so valuable to take time to check-in and feel into what they are communicating to you. After doing this ritual you may find that you have a heightened awareness of your genitals, in your intimate life and also in your everyday!
To continue your learnings, I suggest keeping an ongoing journal about your relationship to your genitals and notice how different somatic practices (including sex and masturbation) make you and your genitals feel. If you enjoyed this experience and are wanting to deepen this relationship I suggest working with a sex coach or a sexological bodyworker.
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