Image by Cotton Bro via Pexels“If we want our family to accept our needs and make more space for us, it’s crucial we become accountable for the way in which we are showing up for our family. “
ACCEPT WHAT YOU’VE GOT
For each of us, our family spaces look very different. It’s pretty hard to identify a single family that has their sh*t together entirely, but often our family issues can seem like they are the only ones that exist. The truth is, there is no such thing as a “normal” family, but we all are built with a need to find acceptance and purpose in our family units. That’s why coming to understand your needs and integrating them within your family’s dynamic is necessary for a sustainable and healthy sense of self. The truth is, this process is far from straight-forward, even painful or traumatic at times.
There are conversations that we need to be courageous enough to have with our family that begin by asking ourselves:
“How do I want to feel when I’m with my family?”
“What are my non-negotiables in terms of my emotional safety and wellbeing?”
GET CONSCIOUS
They key here is to remember that our thoughts become feelings which become actions which THEN become the building blocks of our relationships. Positive relationships begin with conscious thoughts!
As we become more aware of how our ideas have been shaped by our parents, it is important to take the time to remember that our parents are also the product of their parents. Sometimes this process of reminding can aid with destroying codependent bonds that make us feel inadequate or misunderstood in our families.
At the end of the day, our parents and siblings are just normal, imperfect people, and the only way to create space for our true selves is by communicating our needs to them. There are conversations that we need to be courageous enough to have with our family that begin by asking ourselves:
“How do I want to feel when I’m with my family?” and “What are my non-negotiables in terms of my emotional safety and wellbeing?”.
SET YO BOUNDARIES
Practicing boundaries with family is something that requires the same amount of dedication as it does anywhere else in our life. Family dynamics often contain a whole lot of unresolved triggers for us, simply because of the sheer amount of time we spend alongside them- learning, loving, hurting and growing. For this reason, sometimes our family gets away with treating us in ways that we wouldn’t allow others to. And sometimes we can also treat our family in ways that we wouldn’t dare to treat others…having a “TIME-OUT” signal within your family can be a great way to divert family interactions from heading into a negative or destructive place.
Some ways to communicate when you’ve been triggered or feel yourself entering a non-productive interaction:
“I need a time-out from this conversation”
“I’m not in the right headspace to listen to you at the moment, can I have some space and return to this when I feel less triggered?”
“I feel really triggered at the moment because I’m dealing with _____, I’m going to take some time to work through that before I speak to you again.”
WATCH YOURSELF
If we want our family to accept our needs and make more space for us, it’s crucial we become accountable for the way in which we are showing up for our family. Consider how you show up for your friends or peers– How do you give them space to voice their needs, and support them to make self-loving decisions? How then can you use this information to change your language and be more conscious of your reactions to your family when they voice their needs?
Sometimes, taking a deep breath before responding instinctually in family conversations can give us an extra moment to consider what has been said to us, and to remember the self we want to bring to the encounter. Naturally, there will be areas of disagreement and disparity within our family units, and we don’t need to be afraid of that.
Psychologically, if we can conquer boundaries within our family units, it’s likely that we will find boundary-work with the rest of the world to be a much more graceful and empowering process. Whilst using our voice is super important and should always be practiced, LISTENING with curiosity and without judgement is also important.
Some ways you can deal with encountering a different opinion or value in a family interaction:
“That’s a really interesting perspective, and whilst I don’t feel like that resonates with me personally, I can appreciate that it’s how you feel.”
“I would like to understand more about why you feel that way.”
“I think it’s cool we have differing opinions.”
“I appreciate what you’re communicating but I don’t feel the same. Let’s work on finding a middle ground so we both feel understood and can avoid triggering each-other.”
Positive reinforcement
Don’t forget to celebrate the tiny wins! Positive reinforcement works for every human of every age, not just babies (hehe).
“Thank you so much for making a bigger effort to understand me, it makes my existence a lot easier!”
“I really appreciate how positive our interactions have been lately, it makes me really happy!”
“The way you’ve been communicating lately has been really cool, I appreciate you!”
And remember to ALWAYS be proud of yourself for trying to make things better for both yourself and your entire family- the ripples of positive relationships reach far and wide.
BE GENTLE
It’s also completely okay to feel like the best relationship with your family is one where you don’t allow them into your emotional life at all. Sometimes that’s the best we can do until me move into a more empowered place within ourselves, and feel ready to start creating a new relationship with our family.
