How much do we really share with our friends about our sex lives?
Sure we talk about sex, but what gets shared tends to be the ‘safe’ stuff that we can discuss over avocado toast (favourite positions, how long *that* romp lasted, any particularly steamy moments) – but not the aspects of our sex lives that might make us feel vulnerable (porn, kinks, masturbation… er, anything not vanilla).
Now, we get it – it’s totally fair (and fine) to keep your sexual inclinations to yourself. But, if we’re not giving our friends the full picture when it comes to any non-vanilla leanings, it seems that the only people who know about these kinks end up being… well, us, and our partners.
We live in an age of hook-ups (at least we did, before ‘rona… let us out!), which means that casual partners could be the only ones who know about our sexual preferences, and the only ones with whom we share the more vulnerable parts of our sexuality. Consequently, we’re susceptible to letting strangers shape the way we think about our sexuality, based on their reaction to our proclivities.
A 17-year-old Future Dreamer in the Sealed Section (who’d prefer to remain anonymous) told us that during a pre-iso sexual encounter, her partner scoffed and recoiled at her interest in anal play, and ‘cos there was no larger frame of reference for how people ‘should’ respond to her kinks, she told us: “The reaction was super hurtful, and made me feel so ashamed… like I never want to bring it up again, with anyone.”
And that’s kind of, totally, BS… right? Wouldn’t it be (so) much better if we all knew that there was a group of people out there who totally accepted us and our sexuality, so that if a casual partner – or any partner – tries to make us feel inferior about it, it won’t be taken to heart?
And that’s exactly why everyone should work towards creating a sex-positive community, a safe environment for their kinks to flourish freely in the uni(yoni)verse.
If your friends seem to be more open and sex-positive, it might be worth trying to make that community out of the people who are already supporting you. After all, why wouldn’t we share these private things with our closest friends? Ya know, the people who are supposed to love us, no matter what, till death do us part, all that jazz? You can start by having a conversation about why it’s important to you to let them into this part of your life.
Get digi with it
That said, some people aren’t lucky enough to have friends that they feel comfortable talking about their sexuality with, but there are other ways to find a sex-positive support group. A virtual community, like the Sealed Section, can be a great place to ask questions and revel in the knowledge that other like-minded, sexually explorative people (in fact) do exist.
There are also plenty of podcasts where you can get a weekly (or daily) dose of sex-positivity, like the Shameless Sex podcast. It’s worth poking around on the iTunes store to see what kind of show you’d most connect with.
There are also many large, private Facebook groups of sex-positive people that exist for members to share their experiences, ask questions, and give opinions. Here at FD, we’re a big fan of one called ‘Secret Bellessa BB Group Chat’ – we love the candor and support that members bring to the group.
When we don’t have honest conversations about sexuality, it keeps sex taboo and robs us of fruitful connections that we could be making with other like-minded people. So not only is joining a sex-posi support system a good way to empower yourself, but the people you have these conversations with will also probably have some great suggestions to amp up your sex (or self-pleasure) life.
Now that’s truly a win-win!